Wednesday, 26 November 2014

Why Don't I Get What I Want?

If you find that you often have a seething frustration that you are not getting your way or achieving your desires, it may be that you hold the following core belief: 'I must get what I want, when I want it, and I must not get what I don't want. If this doesn't happen I can't stand it.'

I hope that sometimes you do get what you want, but is it reasonable or realistic to think that you always will and that you must get it or you won't be able to cope?

This kind of must belief is the third of three types of irrational demands that the famous psychotherapist Albert Ellis identified as causing emotional difficulties - self-pity, procrastination and a sense of disillusionment with the world being possible consequences of holding this kind of belief. If you have a tendency to place such an extreme emphasis on the importance of getting what you want, ask yourself:

Is it really absolutely essential that you get what you want? Is the situation really completely hopeless if you don't get what you want?

Write down your reasons for believing that you must get what you want and why you think you won't be able to cope if you don't, then write down the counter arguments - reasons for indicating that actually you do not have to get what you want and what you can do to cope if you don't get what you want. 

Remind yourself of some of those reasons why actually not getting what you want is not going to be the end of your world. Perhaps you have particular abilities or resourcefulness which will help you to cope, perhaps it will enable you to focus on other areas of your life, perhaps you are exaggerating the awfulness of not getting what you want. (Add your own reasons - these are just some starting points!)

Whenever your find yourself feeling disillusioned at your thwarted desires or ambitions, or feeling super anxious at the thought that you might not achieve them, remember the reasons why not getting what you want is not going to be the end of your world. See if this helps you to feel less frustrated or anxious and to start acting in a constructive, happier way.

Find Self-Coaching eBooks at: Downloadable Self-Help eBooks
Coaching Resources available at: Coaching, CBT & Self-Help Ideas

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