Lack of Self Belief

Query Submitted on Lack of Self Belief

Jean has emailed me the following query:

"Dear David

Why do I have absolutely no belief in myself? I do not trust my own judgement, and therefore cannot make a decision without checking that it is okay with someone else...I cannot voice my opionion. My inner chatterbox tells me I am useless time and time again. Should I try hypnotherapy?"

My initial response is given below:

"Hi Jean

Effective hypnosis is about helping you to achieve a deep state of relaxation and concentration where your mind can detach itself from everyday cares and concerns and focus in a positive way, so it can be helpful for your kind of situation. You can find details of some self hypnosis MP3s for confidence issues at the link below:

Confidence and Self Belief - Hypnosis MP3s

An alternative way of trying to help with confidence issues is to use cognitive techniques to help you deal with the 'inner chatter' that you refer to. If your 'inner chatter' is telling you that you are useless, think about what you might say to yourself when that negative thought arises which would redress the negativity with something more positive whilst still being realistic.

For instance, you might say to yourself: 'Confidence is not my strongest area because of experiences in my past which have affected my self belief. However I do have other qualities such as ... [here describe any qualities you or your friends might attribute to you] and I am intending to start to work on my confidence by ... [here describe steps you are taking or planning - e.g. to try out hypnosis or to set yourself small goals that will stretch you just outside your comfort zone].

Also, if you find yourself using expressions such as 'I cannot do X' or 'I should not do X', try to modify them to something that is not so definitive - such as the more positive: 'I have difficulty with doing X but I am going to commit to trying to do it once during the next week'.

If you carry out the action you set yourself, then congratulate yourself and try to build on it. If not, then maybe reflect on whether there is any way that you can adjust the target to make it more achievable rather than being too self critical. You don't need to be perfect - try to focus on small changes at first if you can.

Best wishes

David

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
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Family Conflict

Stuck in the Middle of a Family Conflict

One of my newsletter readers, Sally, has sent me an email asking for advice as to what to do if stuck in the middle of a longstanding family conflict between other family members, in this case her brother and a close cousin.

One way of approaching this kind of situation is to clarify what is within your control or influence and what is not. The ideal outcome you are likely to want is for the warring parties to learn to get on better, but this may not be within your control. If you feel that there is something you can do that will bring the parties closer together then you might try that out to see if it does help, but be aware that this may lead to accusations (which could be justified) that you are interfering or taking sides.

In some situations unfortunately the reality may be that there is not much you personally can do to resolve the situation because one or both of the parties concerned are not really willing to take steps to improve the relationship (from Sally’s initial email to me it sounds as if that may be the case in her situation).

If that is so, then it may be best to recognise and acknowledge that your ideal outcome is not within your control and to focus on what you can do to limit the potential negative impact on yourself. For example, if a situation might arise in which you find yourself in the company of both parties and you are worried about having to be there whilst they argue, consider what your options are. This might include:

• Deciding not to attend at all, or if it is your own event then making arrangements so that the parties are not both likely to be situated close to each other at the event.
• Explaining to each party that you don’t want to have to experience them arguing, asking them what they can do to avoid that happening and letting them know what you will do if they do argue – this might include, for example, you leaving the room or the event, if you don’t want to put up with it or listen to the argument.
• Sometimes the more attention, conflicting parties get, the more they argue so as to prove their point. If that is so, then not giving them attention – or withdrawing your attention when they argue - may be more productive than seeking to get involved.
• Once you have made your decision as to what you are going to do if they argue, stick to it unless there is a very good reason not to. If you do not carry through what you say you are going to do, then this may well send a message to other people that they can just continue with what they are doing.
  
  This is a complicated query, so what is suggested above is just one possible approach and different advice may apply to individual situations. Blog readers are invited to contribute their own ideas via the Comments link at the foot of this entry.

Blog Item Written by Life Coach David on 15 September 2008