Life Coaching Tips

Basic Meditation Practice

2011-07-06T10:51:00.000+01:00

Meditation has of course been used within Eastern Philosophy and Religion for many centuries as a way of stilling the mind and help you to 'live in the moment'.

More recently it has been incorporated within approaches involving cbt (cognitive behavioural therapy) and 'mindfulness' to help you deal with stress and anxiety or to help with pain management.

Below is a link to a page where you can learn a basic meditation practice:

Basic Meditation Practice

For information about Life Coaching go to: Life Coaching Service

For Life Coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

What is Self Coaching?

2011-05-05T14:34:00.001+01:00

Self Coaching is when instead of paying a professional such as a life coach or counsellor to help you make changes in your life or deal with problems, you use some of their techniques to do it for yourself!

The advantages of this are that you save money and you may also gain in confidence from seeing that you can achieve change on your own.

If you think you might want to learn how to coach yourself then click on the link below:

Self Coaching

For information about Life Coaching go to: Life Coaching Service

For Life Coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Becoming a Life Coach

2011-05-05T14:22:00.002+01:00

Like most life coaches I have found that a number of those who visit my Life Coaching Website are themselves interested in becoming life coaches (or in some cases they already are life coaches!).

There are a number of attractions to being a life coach, including:

The enjoyment and personal reward that comes from helping people to do what they want or to overcome problems
Being able to take control of our own business and organise your life accordingly
Being in a role where you continually learn and develop.

However, despite the numerous life coaching courses out there who make it appear as if training to be a life coach is a simple way to guaranteed personal and financial success there are also some pitfalls to being a life coach, such as:

Starting any business is challenging and this applies as much to a life coaching business as to any other
Making decisions such as how to market your business and how to develop a website require thought and research
It is important to reflect on how to keep appropriate boundaries in your work with clients who may be vulnerable people and how to ensure that you are providing a service which is worthwhile and effective

To help you decide if you want to become a life coach, I run a Be a Life Coach Newsletter which gives you the benefit of my own experience to help you navigate your way through the potential issues involved in becoming a life coach.
To find out more, click on the link below:

Become a Life Coach

For information about Life Coaching go to: Life Coaching Service

For Life Coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Motivational Interviewing

2011-03-29T10:21:00.000+01:00

Motivational Interviewing is an approach to helping people make changes in their lives and break difficult habits such as alcohol or drug addictions, as well as helping to deal with more intangible issues you might want to address such as assertivenss or low self esteem.

The approach is based on a psychological model of change known as The Stages of Change Model (it is also sometimes called The Transtheoretical Model) which was postulated by two psychologists - James Prochaska and Carlo Di Clemente.

You can find out more about The Stages of Change Model and the strategies suggested by Motivational Interviewing at the link below:

Stages of Change

For information about Life Coaching go to: Life Coaching Service

For Life Coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Benefits of Exercise

2011-03-11T10:56:00.012Z

Recently some research has been highlighted in the media indicating that exercise can help to reduce the risk of bowel cancer. In fact, there seems to be a consensus amongst health experts that a regular bit of exercise - 30 minutes of moderate physical activity on 5 or more days a week - can give you a large number of health benefits, cutting the risk of premature death by 20-30%.

Exercise can also help you to deal with stress better and feel more relaxed.

This may seem a boring message in an age when many people seek complex therapies or, at the other end of the spectrum, a regime of medication or health supplements to aid them with various ailments. Of course, when appropriately used these things can also be helpful but it's important not to forget the basics of a healthy lifestyle and having a moderate amount of exercise is one of them!

For more information about the benefits of exercise and recommended acttivity level, please visit the NHS website at the link below:

Benefits of Exercise - NHS advice

As always, if starting to exercise (or do any other healthy activity) is something new to you, then set yourself realistic achievable goals in the amount and timing of exercise that you are going to aim for.

Good Luck!

For information about Life Coaching go to: Life Coaching Service
For Life Coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Mediation and Divorce

2011-02-28T15:55:00.004Z

In the UK the government has recently introduced plans to require couples to attend compulsory mediation before they can get a divorce.

The strongest argument in favour of this is perhaps that going through a lengthy court battle can be a difficult and stressful experience and if possible it is better to reach a mediated solution.

On the other hand some (including several lawyers - who might well lose out if/when the change is introduced) have argued that this is just an attempt by the government to save having to pay out a lot of money in legal aid and that it will have practical disadvantages.

If you are interested in finding out more about this proposal, visit the BBC's website at: Mediation for Divorcing Couples.

From a coaching perspective my own suggestion would be that if you are about to divorce or separate, one of the first steps that may help you (whether or not you go to mediation) is to think through how different areas of your life (and/or your children's lives if you have children) may be affected and clarify in your own mind the outcomes that you would like to achieve from the divorce or separation process.

A simple exercise to help you clarify what you are seeking in this situation can be found on my website at the web page below:

Preparing for Divorce or Separation

For information about Life Coaching go to: Life Coaching Service
For Life Coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Favourite Aphorisms

2011-02-10T12:26:00.004Z

A friend recently sent me an email - one of those emails which you are encouraged to forward to others - which listed 45 lesssons of life attributed to Regina Brett, a 90 year old newspaper columnist.

Here are 5 of the suggested life lessons (not in the order they originally appeared) - you may or may not agree with them but I thought they were quite interesting at the least...Feel free to comment on your own favourite aphorisms in response:

1. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

4. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

5. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

For information about Life Coaching go to: Life Coaching Service
For Life Coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Is it Within Your Control?

2011-01-14T09:46:00.005Z

Everyone gets into situations where they are frustrated, angry, anxious or upset about something that is happening.

Sometimes those apparently negative emotions can be a positive impetus which gets you take useful action and to do something to change a situation for the better.

On other occasions, the thing that you are worried about may not be something within your control. Indeed it may be something over which you have no influence at all.

If that is the case then continuing to focus on the problem which you can do nothing about may simply fuel your negative emotions.

So sometimes when you are feeling angry or anxious about something three practical questions to ask are:

1. What are the outcomes I would like from this situation?

2. Is it within my control to achieve that outcome?

3. If it is not within my control, is there still something I might do to influence the outcome or increase the likilihoood of it happening?

If you can influence the outcome by your actions, then it makes sense to assess the likely advantages of taking action against any downsides and decide on that basis whether to act.

However, if you don't think you can influence the outcome by your actions, then it may be more practical to ask yourself what you can do to achieve a different outcome: the outcome of dealing with your frustrations or coping with the situation if it persists.

This might involve focusing on something else other than the situation to take your mind off it, or it might involve reminding yourself to be patient or asking yourself if there is a different way in which you can look at your situation (for example, you might start to view it as a challenge or an opportunity to practise your skills of patience or to build relationships with people who feel the same way as you about the situation). Or you might decide to seek external support for yourself in the situation.

Why bang your head against a brick wall if it is not improving the situation?

For information about life coaching go to: Life Coaching Service
For Life Coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Keeping a Diary

2010-11-19T11:26:00.003Z

In CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) clients are often recommended to record their anxious thoughts and their daily activities in a diary.

This can help to distance you from the experience of anxiety or depression if you are feeling negative and it can also give you a more objective record of how your day goes - of any good points as well as the negative things that you may have a tendency to focus on if you are feeling stressed or down.

To read more about what you might include in your daily diary if you want it to be a useful tool in dealing with stress, anxiety or negative thoughts, click on the link below:

CBT Diary

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life Coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Is there a Cure for Anxiety?

2010-11-08T17:14:00.004Z

If you experience severe anxiety or panic, it may be natural for you to wonder 'Is there a cure for anxiety?'

However, anxiety serves a useful evolutionary function - if you had no anxiety at all you would never be alert to dangers.

Dealing with anxiety is not about finding a magic bullet or getting rid of anxiety altogether.

It is about putting your anxiety in perspective and balancing anxious thoughts that are not warranted by the situation you are in.

How do you do this?

Check out my program for dealing with Anxiety using CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) techniques at the link below:

Anxiety Program using CBT Techniques

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life Coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Asking 'Why Am I Anxious?'

2010-10-22T16:07:00.004+01:00

Perhaps the most natural thing you want to do if you are experiencing anxiety is wonder why your are anxious.

But can you take this too far?

What if your search for causes or even for solutions ends up leading to you spending most of your time scouring the internet or reading through books in the hope that one day you will find that simple explanation for anxiety or the perfect solution which will remove your anxious feelings?

If that is so then surely it may be better to limit your searching in a practical way.

You can find a simple tip for what you might do if you find yourself continually asking 'Why am I anxious?' at the link below:

Why Am I Anxious?

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life Coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

When Does Your Mid Life Crisis Happen?

2010-10-05T11:03:00.005+01:00

According to a survey carried out by RELATE it seems that mid life crisis may now been happening earlier - around the age of 35-44 rather than in your later 40s-50s.

The report suggests some common sense explanations such as that in this period several pressures including work, money, family issues are very prevalent (Is the thought that these pressures are now more common at an earlier age than previously?).

I wonder if many people now also have more expectations of what they can achieve and so disappointment can kick in earlier than previously?

To read an account of the survey, please click on the link below:

Mid Life Crisis Arriving Earlier

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life Coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Feeling Trapped?

2010-09-09T11:38:00.003+01:00

Most people at some time in their life can identify with feeling trapped or frustrated in a particular situation - be it in personal life or working life.

In these situations it can help to try to think through your options in a logical way.

I have now posted a page on my website incorporating a simple format of questions to run through to help you explore options if you are not sure what to do in a particular situation.

To find out more, click on the link below:

Feeling Trapped

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life Coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Humour in Relationships

2010-08-26T10:47:00.008+01:00

Who has been in a relationship where both you and the other person got locked into a highly serious way of looking at things and a determination to prove your viewpoint to be right?

Most of us I would guess!

Getting entrenched into trying to prove your point often just leads to greater stress.

If you are able sometimes to laugh at yourself or at the situation and the competitiveness of it all it can often be a relationship saver.

For anyone who didn't hear it in the news last week, below is a link to a commentary on a recent horse race which included two horses with interesting names.

The commentary reminded me just how liberating it can be not to take stereotypes too seriously.

I must thank my other half, Denise, for alerting me to the commentary. She knows everything!

Humourous Horse Race!

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life Coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Effect of The Recession on Mental Health

2010-08-12T12:07:00.007+01:00

Perhaps it's not a great surprise, but recent reports suggest that the recession has caused a rise in mental health problems such as depression. Click below for more information:

Effect of Recession on Mental Health

For some simple introductory tips about how to deal with depression click on the link below:

Beating Depression

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Can You Change Your Sexuality?

2010-07-12T10:21:00.008+01:00

The Daily Telegraph recently featured an article citing research suggesting that women may change their sexuality more commonly than men as they mature. Click on the link below to find out more:

Women Changing Sexuality

What appears to be being talked about here is women's feelings for other women (and sexual attraction) developing or changing over time and some women then 'coming out' as those feelings grow (or even in some cases going the other way and reverting to a primarily heterosexual lifestyle and orientation after being gay, or in other cases becoming bisexual...).

This is a different (but not inconsistent) point from the reasonable observation that sometimes people may change from describing themselves as heterosexual to describing themselves as gay or lesbian when they 'come out'. That is really about 'revealing your true sexuality rather than hiding it because of worries about the reactions ore prejudices of others or perhaps because of a lack of realization or denial of your own sexuality. Click on the link below for an article from the Times which focuses more on that point:

Can You Change Sexuality?

Note: Neither of the articles to which I have provided links above should be confused with the view that homosexuality is an abberration or immoral and that you can or should try to change people's sexuality to make them 'normal'. I have never seen any significant evidence to suggest that that view is either correct or reasonable.

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Should Coaches be Regulated?

2010-07-08T16:26:00.005+01:00

Below is a link to the Association for Coaching's podcast downloads page which includes some free podcasts on the issue of whether life coaches and other coaches should be regulated:

Should Coaches be Regulated?

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Differences between Counsellors & Life Coaches

2010-06-23T12:02:00.003+01:00

I have recently posted on my website some reflections on possible differences between the approaches of counsellors and life coaches.

To find out more click on the link below:

How Different Are Life Coaches and Counsellors?

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

How Many Tasks Can You Do At Once?

2010-06-17T12:00:00.005+01:00

Earlier this year some research by French scientists was reported in the press suggesting that the brain is able to carry out two tasks at once but perhaps not more than that, because each half of the brain focuses on one task.

To find out more, click on the link below:

Brain Splits to Multi Task

If you read the article carefully you may see that it refers to the brain 'switching' between two tasks. Indeed this has been the received wisdom to date from psychologists: that actually you can't concentrate on more than one task at a time. Therefore although you might do one activity automatically through habit whilst concentrating on another, you can't actually concentrate on two different activities at the same time, you will switch your focus from one to the other.

Often the advice is given that if you are trying to do two activities which require concentration, it is more efficient to do one and then the other rather than to flit backwards and forwards.

For this view - that actually multitasking is not as easy as some people may claim - check out the following link:

Can We Really Multitask?

Forgetting the science, what is practical advice?

My suggestion would be that so long as you can do it safely, try it out each way in a situation where you might be tempted to attempt to multitask. See for yourself which you prefer - what is more efficient and easier on the stress levels for you - is it trying to do more than one thing at once or trying to focus on one thing at a time? Find out what works best for you personally and go with that.

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Should Coaches Offer Free Life Coaching Sessions?

2010-06-08T15:21:00.007+01:00

I have now posted onto my website as part of my Become a Life Coach newsletter, an article considering whether it is a good idea for life coaches to offer free initial coaching sessions.

To read the article click on the link below:

Should Coaches Offer Free Life Coaching Sessions?

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Does Exercise Make You Thin?

2010-06-03T10:38:00.005+01:00

People who want to lose weight frequently believe that if they exercise a lot this will help them to lose weight. In fact the truth may be a bit more complex.

In August 2009, Time Magazine published an article highlighting research which casts doubt on the value of a stringent exercise regime in helping to reduce your weight, although it does at the same time refer to the acknowledged benefits for mental and physical health from moderate exercise such as walking while carrying bags or climbing stairs.

You can view the full article at: Why Exercise Won't Make You Thin. Some of the main points argued in the article are:

Strenuous exercise such as a hard session at the gym is likely to leave you hungry so that you eat more and therefore do not lose weight overall because the calories you eat after exercise may match or even exceed the calories you have burned off through vigorous exercise.
Sometimes people who underake strenuous activity to try to lose weight may then move around a lot less afterwards, negating some of the benefit of the exercise.
Doing moderately strenuous activities such as walking while carrying groceries or walking and climbing stairs can help your cognitive functioning. Also people who exercise are at significantly lower risk from a number of diseases particularly those relating to the heart and exercise helps your mental health.

The moral? If the article is correct then I would suggest that you keep doing moderate exercise to help with your mental and physical health but don't expect it to lose you weight. Instead if you are overweight or obese, a better way of losing weight is to follow a sensible balanced healthy diet whilst reducing excess intake of fatty or sugary items.

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Advantages of e-books

2010-05-06T10:22:00.014+01:00

The BBC Website has published an article about How to Pick out an e-book, detailing considerations to bear in mind if you are thinking of getting an e-book and comparing them to paper books.

You can read the article at the link below:

How to Pick Out the Right e-Book

For information about my own e-books for self improvement and coaching, immediately downloadable in PDF format, on issues such as:

Self Esteem
CBT Techniques
Assertiveness
Making life changes
Life coaching exercies and resources

Please click on the link below:

Life Coaching Books

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Treating Depression - What Works?

2010-04-21T11:00:00.006+01:00

The National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence ("NICE"), which is the National Health Service Organisation that publishes health recommendations for England and Wales, has published Guidelines for Treating Depression in Adults. The Guidelines outline the approaches that you should be offered by the NHS if you are experiencing depression.

Some points to note from the Guidelines are that:

1. Depression is a common problem - it affects nearly 1 in 6 people in the UK

2. The Guidelines consider 3 levels of depression:-

Mild depression - when a person has a small number of symptoms that have a limited effect on their daily life

Moderate depression - when a person has more symptoms that can make their daily life much more difficult than usual

Severe depression - when a person has many symptoms that can make their daily life extremely difficult.

3. The Guidelines state that mild depression can sometimes get better by itself without treatment or by following advice from your GP or other healthcare professionals on coping with problems and improving sleep - including advice on:

going to bed and getting up at regular times

not eating large meals or smoking or drinking alcohol just before going to bed

taking regular exercise.

4. The Guidelines state that possible treatments for mild to moderate depression include a self help programme, cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) and a programme of physical exercise.

5. They then indicate that if the treatments described in 4 above do not help you, then your healthcare professional should discuss with you whether to try either an antidepressant or a psychological treatment. Psychological treatments include one-to-one CBT or interpersonal therapy or behavioural activation.

6. The Guidelines note that if you decide not to have the treatments mentioned in 5 then you may be offered counselling or short-term psychodynamic psychotherapy but that your healthcare professionsal should explain that is uncertain whether counselling or short-term psychodynamic psychotherapy are helpful for people with depression.

7. If you have modereate or severe depression, you should be offered both an antidepressant and a psychological treatment which should be either CBT or interpersonal therapy.

The Guidelines described above were published in 2009. If you have any concerns that you may be depressed you are advised to consult your GP or another suitable qualified health professional.

To read the NICE Guidelines in full for yourself go to: Nice Guidelines for Treating Depression in Adults.

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Quotations to Reflect On

2010-04-09T15:53:00.011+01:00

I have been browsing the internet today for stimulating quotations.

Below are a few that I came across.

Feel free to post your comments on any of them...whether in agreement or disagreement:

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent"
- Eleanor Roosevelt

"Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction"
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery

"Take calculated risks. That is quite different from being rash."
- Georg S. Patton

"Success is the sum of small efforts repeated day in and day out"
- Robert Collier

"What progress, you ask, have I made? I have begun to be a friend to myself"
- Hecato (Greek Philosopher)

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

I Hate My Studies...

2010-03-29T10:25:00.008+01:00

I recently received an email from a student who is finding it difficult completing her studies. This may be a problem which is familiar to others so below I am posting the correspondence, having changed the name and removed any personally identifying details to protect confidentiality:

"Dear David

I am a Law student in my final year at university. I do enjoy university, but I absolutely hate my degree! I've always hated it, and month after month for the last two years I've wanted to drop out, only to be convinced by parents and tutors etc that it wouldn't be worth it so I just plod on and normally plod through it looking forward to when I can get over it and go travelling and then study to be a social worker (that is what I want to do - I'd rather die than become a solicitor or barrister).

My problem is that in a couple of months time I will be taking the most important exams of my life so far....yet I have absolutely no motivation to study or read my work whatsoever...I just spend days doing nothing. Literally I am more likely to stare into space for an hour than write a paragraph of my assignment. I actually procrastinate to the extreme and I have found I am up to date in all other areas of my life (i.e. I do voluntary work which I love and other activities) and I go along fine doing them, and feel happy, but as soon I sit down to do some Uni work I just want to burst into tears, and often I do. I have tried making revision timetables etc, but I can never stick to them. Everyone else seems to be finding it so easy and I know I'm being pathetic, but the truth is I just can't bring myself to do anything that my heart is not in, any longer. I feel 'dead' when I'm sitting at my laptop or reading some statute or case. I know for certain its not what I want to do with my life, I know my parents will be so dissapointed if I mess it all up, But I am finding it so difficult to have any motivation, because I feel like I've burned out. I have such burning passions for so many other things - I get so happy and excited when I think about travelling, I have started making all those plans, and have even made plans for becoming a social worker.. I don't want to be acedemic anymore. I am so unhappy thinking about all the university work I have to do. I know its going to be a mountain, and I know I have to get it all done and I want to graduate (or it will have all been for nothing), but I just can seem to do it. I just don't know how anymore.

Hope you can give me some tips,

Janice"

"Hi Janice

First of all I would suggest that you try to seek some independent advice from someone appropriate who can help you in a supportive way to talk through your issues and think of what you want to do in the short term and the medium term and how to deal with difficulties. I don't know your university but would hope that there is some sort of counsellling or support service there that you can approach for support. Your student union should be able to advise you on that.

It is good that you have plenty of activities and issues about which you are passionate, such as voluntary work etc. Keep these up as you are entitled to do things which you enjoy and which help you to relax and one day they may lead to something more.

You are at an age when you have the opportunity to make some decisions for yourself and this can be difficult, particularly if your choices ultimately prove to be different from what your parents envisaged - although I hope that if they see in future that you are happy with what you are doing then they will prefer that to you doing something you are unhappy with.

If you do not complete your law degree it may present some problems but it's not the end of the world - many people have been successful who have not got law degrees! However, if you do manage to complete your law degree it will provide a useful qualification even if you then decide to do something else, such as social work for example. As it happens, I practised as a solicitor for a few years before becoming a social worker and subsequently a life coach, so I can say with reasonable confidence that if you get a law degree it won't stop you then doing something else that you prefer!

If you are having difficulty with your assignments, I suggest that you set yourself small achievable targets at first and reward yourself by doing enjoyable activities when you achieve them - e.g. break down an assignment and reward yourself by doing a leisure activity that you enjoy once you complete a significant section of it, then again once you complete the whole of it (NB. The enjoyable activitiies can't be something harmful like drinking alcohol or with strong downsides, like spending a lot of money, but otherwise you can be creative with what you reward yourself with - constructive physical activity, a social activity, a walk, reading a book, painting...whatever you like doing).

You may find it helpful to treat the remainder of your law degree as a short term project you are aiming to achieve, reminding yourself that once you achieve it you can then take time to decide whether you want to continue with law or do something else - you don't have to rush into a legal career law just because you think, rightly or wrongly, that is what is expected of you.

Best wishes and good luck with the next few months!

David"

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Developing Good Habits

2010-03-18T11:13:00.005Z

"We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit" - Aristotle

I found this quote on the internet. From my recollection of having read Aristotle's "Nicomachean Ethics" as a student many years ago, it does sound to me like the sort of thing that he might say.

Good habits - and excellence - generally take time and practice to develop.

Musicians and athletes often break down what they are doing into small parts or actions and practise those parts repeatedly until they become natural (of course in practising them you need to be sure that you are practising them the right way, rather than the wrong way -even if that means going slower intially - you want to develop a good habit rather than to ingrain a bad habit).

I remember seeing Andy Murray play an incredible tennis shot which seemed inspirational. Afterwards he was asked about it in interview and he said 'I've been practising that shot a lot in training.'

If you are trying to develop a new good habit, remember it often takes time, patience and conscious effort:

- Work out what actions are involved in the new habit:
- Practise them at a level you can achieve
- Repeat them
- Repeat them again
- Give yourself credit when you succeed
- Be patient at times you don't
- If you get into a bad groove, change something
- If you get into a good groove keep it up.

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Does Massage Relieve Stress and Anxiety?

2010-03-16T12:27:00.004Z

Massage as everyone knows helps to relieve stress and anxiety- or does it?

According to some recent research it seems that the relief from anxiety/stress that you may experience when having a massage could simply be because of the soothing music played during a typical massage session.

To read an article about the research click on the link below:

Does Massage Relieve Anxiety and Stress?

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Facebook Life Coaching Page

2010-02-25T10:13:00.005Z

If you use Facebook you can now find life coaching tips and updates on my service on my Facebook page "Life Coaching with David Bonham-Carter".

To locate the page go to: Life Coaching with David Bonham-Carter and sign into your Facebook account.

Or alternatively sign into your Facebook account and search for "Life Coaching with David Bonham-Carter".

Best wishes and enjoy your networking!

David

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Is Anxiety Always Bad for You?

2010-02-12T12:13:00.004Z

We tend to think of anxiety as something which creates stress and problems.

Well of course it can do this. But it can have good or useful sides to it too.

For example, if you are faced with a genuine threat or risk, an appropriate level of anxiety can alert you to thinking about how to take reasonable measures to avoid or deal with the threat - in evolutionary terms one often hears of the famous 'fight or flight' response to a threat.

If you deal with dangers or risks complacently, without any anxiety, then you may increase the likelihood of being caught out or suffering adverse consequences following from the risk.

The key words are perhaps 'reasonable' and 'appropriate'. It is when your level of anxiety is excessive in proportion to the real risk or danger that it may be considered to be unhelpful. In those circumstances it may be that you want to use techniques to help you calm down or to help you put in perspective the risk or analyse in a sensible manner how real it is or the extent of it.

If you suffer from a particular form of anxiety, such as generalised anxiety or social anxiety, it is likely that in some situations your perception of the level of 'risk' is distorted - for example, you might expect that people will think badly of you or laugh at you for certain actions or behaviour when many people may not even notice the behaviour or may have a more positive or less judgemental view of it than you anticipate.

If you suffer from severe anxiety and find that you expect yourself to be or behave perfectly all the time, then try not to be so hard on yourself - remember that no one is perfect and if you can, try not to apply a harsher standard to yourself than you would to others. Also, in line with the above, if you have perfectionistic tendencies or a high level of anxiety try to acknowledge those areas of your life where your perfectionism or drive has actually bought positive results for you - it may well have helped you to achievements which people with less drive admire.

Anxiety is not always your enemy. One of my suggestions would be to value it for the times it helps and to try to put it in perspective at times when it doesn't help.

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Multi Tasking

2010-02-05T22:57:00.006Z

Quote for the Day:

Too Much Multi Tasking Leads to Multi Stress

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

The Miracle Question

2010-01-28T10:04:00.011Z

I recently received a query from a life coach in the USA about the Miracle Question.

For those of you who have never heard of the Miracle Question, it is a coaching exercise associated with Brief Therapy (also known as "Solution Focused Therapy").

Brief Therapy provides a set of techniques for helping people to make positive changes in their life which focuses on solutions and how to get there using your strengths and resources rather than on more traditional techniques of analysis.

The Miracle Question is often posed by the therapist or coach right at the beginning of a series of sessions.

The question itself is an incredibly simple way of getting you to think about how you would like your life to be.

The idea is that you try to focus in as much detail as possible on what that preferred life will be like and then you start to think about how you might get there beginning with the very first step.

In Brief Therapy you might be asked to rate how close you are to achieving the future you want on a scale of 1-10 and then to say what would take you just one point closer to the goal and focus on that as that first step. Then you could be asked to focus on other actions that might take you further up the scale.

You can see a simple version of the Miracle Question on my website at the link below:

Miracle Question

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life Coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Dealing with Mental Stresses

2010-01-14T13:16:00.006Z

Albert Ellis, the person who invented Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (a form of cognitive behavioural therapy), suggests a simple technique for helping with certain types of stresses as follows.

The technique applies to situations where you find yourself thinking that someone should or must or ought to do something. You may be thinking this about someone else (a kind of expectation or demand) or about yourself (a form of self criticism). Or indeed you may be thinking it about a situation rather than an individual: Thoughts such as it ought to be like this or it ought not to be like this.

If you have these kind of internal demands or expectations (and I think we all do at some time or another) then if they are thwarted you usually begin to feel stressed or resentful or angry or frustrated (with others or with yourself or with the situation).

The technique suggested by Ellis is that in this kind of situation in your mind you replace your internal dialogue with the new thought 'I have a strong preference for X' instead of 'X ought to be the case' or 'S/he should do X' or 'I should do X'. You could of course slightly alter the formulation to use a similar phrase with which you are comfortable, such as 'I would greatly like it if X.'

If you do that you may find that the feelings of stress, resentment, anger or frustration reduce.

Try it and See!

Note: If you are interested in learning more CBT techniques like this one through telephone life coaching session, to help with a personal stressful situation then visit the link below for information about what such sessions might cover:

Life Coaching with CBT

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life Coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

New Year Resolutions - Plan B!

2009-12-28T09:56:00.007Z

New Year is the time when traditionally we decide on the dreams we are going to aim for over the next 12 months - whether that be getting a new career, finding our perfect partner, going to the gym twice a week or something else.

Of course history tells many of us that we don't always achieve or manage to carry out our New Year's Resolution so this Blog Entry is about New Year's Resolution - Plan B!

To construct your New Year's Resolution - Plan B:

1. Think of the dream that you might want to create a New Year's Resolution about - write it down.

2. Now construct your Plan B resolution by writing a sentence that begins 'If I don't [Here insert the dream you put in 1.]....' - Complete the sentence by inserting your optimistic strategy for reacting if your dream doesn't happen for whatever reason.

Examples might be:

'If I don't find a girlfriend/boyfriend I will try like hell to enjoy myself and lead a full life anyway'

'If I don't manage to change job, I'm going to chill out, treat my work as an unpleasant necessity, choose not to get wound up about it, and forget about it in my spare time'

'If I don't manage to travel to the World Cup this year, I'm going to relax and watch it on TV and use the money I save to treat myself in another way.'

I hope you find your dream in 2010 but if you don't then remember there's always Plan B and it may actually be less stressful!

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life Coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Coping with Christmas

2009-12-18T12:49:00.006Z

Christmas for many people is an enjoyable time when you get to indulge yourself a little, relax and share presents and enjoyment with partner, family and/or friends. However, many can also find Christmas quite stressful, demanding or lonely.

If the relationships you have bring with them pressures or arguments or if you are going to be on your own at Christmas then it may be that you are not looking forward to it with quite the glittering anticipation that a traditional Christmas picture paints.

If you think that Christmas may present some difficulties or stresses for you, then it is worth giving a few positive thoughts to how you are going to get through the period successfully and if possible a little more enjoyably than normal. If you can foresee some predictable problems such as arguments or even boredom, then ask yourself in advance:

How can I get through the predictable stresses or problems in the best way - what have I done before that worked or what I can I try this time to make things reasonable if not perfect?
What can I do over the Xmas period (even if only for a short period) to ensure that I get some enjoyment out of it?

If for some reason this Christmas is likely to be different for you from previous years - for example, if you are not going to be with the usual people or in the usual place - then ask yourself:

'Do I want to do anything to help me remember the good points of previous years or the faces I miss, in a reasonable way and/or focus on positive aspects of the new style Christmas?'

Even if you are not Christian, if you are living in a country where Christmas is celebrated you will probably find that your routine changes a bit at this time of year because of the changes around you in terms of shops closing, people taking holidays etc, so you may still find it helpful to reflect on how you will ensure you make the most of the period.

However you view Christmas - whether happily, wearily, negatively or positively - I hope you have a good time during the festive season and a Happy New Year.

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life Coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

CBT or Drugs?

2009-12-07T10:53:00.006Z

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) and anti-depressant drugs prescribed by doctors can are both used to treat depression.

The BBC recently posted an article on its news website by Dr Jennifer Wild, Senior Lecturer at the Institute of Psychiatry comparing the relative merits of the two approaches.

The article highlights the fact that changing the way you think (the essence of CBT) can help to lift your mood and wellbeing.

To read the Dr Wild's article click on the link below:

Drugs, CBT and Depression

For anyone interested in finding out more about cognitive behavioural techniques to help with negative thoughts, I have now completed my most recent ebook which provides information about CBT, descriptions of CBT techniques and a variety of practical exercises.

The book gives a practical introduction to different CBT techniques if you want to know more about what they are. Anyone interested can find further information at the link below:

CBT Techniques

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life Coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Cognitive Therapy

2009-11-23T09:15:00.006Z

I am currently working on a new ebook on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) techniques which should be available from my website in a few weeks time.

In the meantime, to give people an introduction to some of the ideas of cognitive therapy which underpin CBT, I have found a page of useful information on the internet, which describes the origins and theory of cogntive therapy and some of its techniques.

The basic premise of cognitive therapy theory as devised by Aaron Beck is that a major factor in emotional difficulties or disorder such as anxiety or mild depression is faulty thought patterns or 'cognitive distortions'.

A simple example would be someone criticising something you do and you concluding from this that you are useless or a failure. The conclusion is excessive but would probably lead you to feel pretty bad about yourself.

Cognitive Therapy and CBT aim to help you to identify and address extreme self criticism of this nature among other things. Techiniques include things such as:

Thought Stopping
Balancing Statements
Activity Schedules

To read the introductory information on cognitive therapy, click on the link below:

Cognitive Therapy

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life Coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Google Pay Per Click - An Introduction

2009-11-10T11:31:00.006Z

As part of my series of newsletters on Becoming a Life Coach, I have created a web page which examines some of the advantages and disadvantages of using Google Pay Per Click advertising to try to generate business.

You can read the article at:

Google Pay Per Click - An Introduction

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life Coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Work Related Stress

2009-11-06T18:19:00.016Z

Many of us have experienced a work culture or a personal background where the notion that you might find it difficult to cope or manage at work is perceived as something to be ashamed of, so admitting that you are stressed in your job can be difficult. Yet in 2008-9 it was estimated that approximately 415,000 people in Great Britain alone suffered from work related stress, anxiety or depression (see Health & Safety Executive Website).

My first suggestions if you find yourself affected by this are:
1. Ask yourself what your priorities are. How important is your health and wellbeing? How important is your work? What are your other priorities, such as relationships and family?
2. What effects is the stress having on you personally and on your capacity to carry out the job professionally (particularly if you work in a field where you make decisions which have an impact on the lives of others)?

Assuming that on the basis of your answers to these questions you decide that it is important that you do something about stress, then consider:
(a) From whom might you seek support to help you deal with your stress better or explore your options in a sensible way?
(b) In the work environment, is there anything that you can do, if you are going to continue to work, that will help you to manage your workload and/or other stresses? For example,
- Can you delegate or seek support on any difficult or time consuming tasks?
- Can you prioritise tasks more effectively, focusing on those which really need doing and spending less time on unimportant matters?
- If a work colleague is making things difficult for you, are there ways in which you can act or avenues of support or advice which you can explore to help you deal with that more effectively?

(c) Outside the work environment:
- Try to ensure that you have some quality time outside of the work environment to give you a break if the main sources of stress are at work
- If some of the sources of stress are outside work, try to clarify for yourself what outcomes you want in respect of those issues, what your options are and what constructive actions you can take.

If you are stressed at work, you may well be tired and find it difficult to see clearly or take action. Ask yourself how long this has been going on and if there is a reason why it may change soon. If there isn't and things having been going on for a while, try to initiate some positive change yourself by setting yourself 1 or 2 actions to try out based on the above points.

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life Coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Marketing for Life Coaches

2009-10-21T13:16:00.004+01:00

Many life coaches are very good at what they do, but not so good at marketing their life coaching service.

I have recently posted an article on my website which gives some initial comments on marketing options for life coaches to get your coaching service known.

For further information, click on the link below:

Marketing for Life Coaches

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life Coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

The Alternative Way of Dieting

2009-10-19T14:46:00.017+01:00

Most standard diets set out by encouraging you to devise a program of what you are going to eat. There is usually some choice built into the program or you may be allowed various 'sins' or lapses where you eat some kind of forbidden food, but that is permitted because on the whole you are sticking within the diet plan or are within calorie limits that you have set yourself. Nonetheless the concept remains the same - you are encouraged to lose weight by planning to a greater or lesser degree what you are going to eat.

This kind of approach can work, but it is hard work. It also does not always deal with emotional issues that may be involved in over eating - such as 'comfort eating' or a lack of belief in your ability to change eating habits. But what alternative approach to dieting is there?-

I recently came across (and listened to) an MP3 product by the experienced UK hypnotherapist and NLP practitioner, Julie Mann, which tackles losing weight in a different way. Instead of being asked to devise a diet plan, you get an MP3 audio download which uses hypnotic suggestion and relaxation techniques to put you into a confident, relaxed state where you can make healthy choices about you eat. You start to trust yourself to make decisions.

This hypnosis MP3 rests on the belief that we each have resources in us which can when tapped into start to regulate our body and what we eat in a sensible way. So it's not about forcing you to eat certain things or about not eat certain things. It's about helping you to connect with your senses and your natural innate ability to realise when you have eaten enough, and helping you to feel good and comfortable about stopping eating at that point and realising that you can be in control.

The beauty of this kind of method when it works is that your attempts to give up eating unhealthily are no longer such a fight - you are learning to eat healthily through your own inner unconscious resources and learning to realise that any emotional or other needs that you might have been trying to meet through comfort eating can be met in other ways through your own resourcefulness. This doesn't mean this is an instant diet cure - like anything else it requires patience and application - I would suggest that you listen to the MP3 daily at possible until you reach a point where you feel you have made the positive changes in eating habits that you want and no longer need the positive reinforcement of the MP3.

For more information and details about how you can purchase and download the MP3 immediately click on the link below:

Losing Weight - the Alternative Way

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life Coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Relaxation Techniques

2009-10-12T14:55:00.006+01:00

If you find yourself feeling tense or anxious then it can be helpful to practise relaxation exercises to help to bring your body and mind back into a calmer state.

Below you can find a link to an article setting out 3 simple relaxation techniques:

1. Counting Backwards.

2. Tensing your toes (you can also try this with other parts of your body).

3. Guided imagery exercise.

The exercises may also be of assistance if you have difficulty in getting to sleep. Personally I find the 'Tensing your toes' exercise most helpful for that purpose:

Relaxation Techniques

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life Coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Jealousy and Self Esteem

2009-09-01T13:00:00.007+01:00

Jealousy and low self esteem can be related in two ways.

First of all, if you already have low self esteem then you may feel that people close to you will prefer others to you - because you don't value yourself enough. This can contribute towards feelings of envy, jealousy or suspicion of others who you think may gain the attention or interest of your partner or someone else important to you.

Secondly, even if you do not usually have low self esteem but you have a tendency to jealousy for other reasons then you may find that if you act in jealous ways your self esteem is impacted, because you feel ashamed about the way you are acting and feeling.

If either of these situations applies to you then you may be interested in a collection of ebooks which I have now put together in one downloadable pack to complement each other on the topics of jealousy, low self esteem and assertiveness.

To find out more, click on the link below:

Jealousy and Self Esteem

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life Coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Well Behaved Women Seldom Make History

2009-08-24T11:56:00.010+01:00

I recently came across the quote: 'Well behaved women seldom make history'. The idea of the quote I think is to encourage women to step outside cultural, social or gender based roles which may be restrictive.

Curiously enough the quote also had some resonance for me as a man. It made me realise the number of times I have done something or worried about something because I feel it's what I ought to do (or not do as the case may be).

For me as someone who uses CBT techniques in life coaching I guess the question I would suggest people ask themselves in relation to actions (or inaction) they follow based on perceptions or unspoken rules about what they ought to do or ought not to do is:

What are likely to be the consequences?

If a balanced appraisal of the likely consquences of acting in a certain way leads you to believe that the benefits outweigh the disadvantages then maybe it is time to try out acting that way if you haven't done so before.

If it is possible to do so first on a small scale to see what the results are and evaluate them before deciding whether to try the action again then that may be sensible and may also help you to get over the initial hurdle of doing something different from normal.

If on the other hand the change in behaviour is large scale and the potential consequences great, then you might want to take independent advise before taking a momentous decision or action, but ultimately the choice is yours.

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life Coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Motivating Tips

2009-08-17T11:41:00.005+01:00

Sometimes in my life coaching sessions I ask clients to come up with particular mottos or phrases which they find motivating and to remind themselves of these on a regular basis or when feeling a bit demotivated in order to get themselves going again.

Examples of the things both clients and friends have come up with are:

'Try everything in moderation - even moderation'

'Life is too short to worry about it!'

'Nothing is a problem only a challenge'

'Smile at others and the world smiles at you'

See if you can think of a motivating phrase for yourself then write it out and stick it somewhere where you will see it regularly such as in your car or on your computer or in your kitchen.

Finding a phrase that will help to motivate you is a personal thing. My only tip would be that once you've thought of a phrase ask yourself whether you will feel positive when you say it to yourself or whether you are actually putting more pressure on yourself - if the former, great; if the latter then see if you can think of an alternative which is a bit lighter. If the phrase it a touch humourous that can often help you to relax and move forward.

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life Coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Sex Therapy Bristol - Bath - South Gloucestershire

2009-08-17T11:17:00.009+01:00

Sex therapy or counselling is a specialist area of work that I sometimes get asked for recommendations on.

This is not an area of work that I personally specialise in. However, if you live in Bristol, South Gloucestershire or Bath and are seeking a helpful sex therapy service to help you deal with sexual issues or concerns in your relationship in a practical effective way, then you can find information about a useful service involving cognitive behavioural techniques and other specialist coaching approaches at the link below:

Sex Therapy Bristol - Bath - South Gloucestershire

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life Coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Happiness Economics

2009-08-13T09:28:00.007+01:00

It seems that the idea of happiness economics - that governments in setting taxes and policies should aim to promote general well being - could be becoming fashionable.

Anyone familiar with moral philosopy is likely to know of the utilitarian view championed by John Stuart Mill and others in the 19th century that the best action is the one that brings the greatest happiness to the highest number of people.

Happiness economics seems to promote a similar idea but now brought into the field of economic policy.

David Cameron and some other conservatives such as the former conservative leader Iain Duncan-Smith who established the think tank the 'Centre for Social Justice' appear to have embraced the idea of seeking to promote 'general well being' or 'GWB' and some Blairite figures also endorsed the idea.

To find out more about 'Happiness Economics' visit the link below on the BBC website:

Happiness Economics

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life Coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

If Life Hands You a Lemon

2009-07-31T09:56:00.008+01:00

The other day I received in the post a brochure from a provider of alternative holidays with an editorial focusing on the saying 'If life hands you a lemon make lemonade'. The idea of the saying is to encourage you to try to make an opportunity out of a crisis.

There are some shocks or crises which can turn into positives despite their apparent gloom. Sometimes being made redundant, for example, can lead you into starting to look into career options which you did not dare to consider when you were in steady employment.

It is a daunting thing to be taken out of your comfort zone but if this happens then one possible way of approaching the situation is to try to see if there are any new opportunities for you to develop yourself or to do new things or develop new skills or relationships arising from the situation.

But what if the situation is not one that you immediately want to forget or to move on from? This may be the case for situations involving change in a relationship or loss. If that is so, then you may find the following helpful:

Reflect on the situation that you were in which has now changed. If there were genuine positives in it that you have lost and which may never return - for example, if the situation involves the end of a relationship or a bereavement or a parting - then reflect on the positives that you had and if you can do so, commemmorate them or celebrate them in a way that is fitting to the nature of them - if appropriate you might write about them or create a photo album or some other reminder.

The idea is not to attach yourself to the past but to allow yourself to have a fitting reminder of it for when you need it and to give elements of your personal history and the people and events in it, the respect due to them.

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life Coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Motivation & Action

2009-07-19T10:04:00.006+01:00

Do you ever find it difficult to motivate yourself to complete a task. Maybe you are dreading doing it or perhaps it's just too boring?

Below is a link to a page where I feature a life coaching exercise called a "Motivation and Actions Checklist" - a practical tool for helping you to get yourself to do those things which you have been putting off.

Click below to find out more:

Motivation & Actions Checklist

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life Coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Is Music Good for the Heart?

2009-07-03T12:42:00.011+01:00

The BBC News channel recently featured an article on its website describing the results of a recent study into the effects of music on heart beat and blood pressure.

According to the article, the study suggested that music with a faster tempo increases breathing, heart rate and blood pressure while slower music does the opposite.

This seems consistent with common sense - if you are listening to lively, quick music you are likely to feel more animated and for it to be reflected in physiological changes. If you are listening to slower calmer music one would hope it will help you to calm down.

Soft slow gentle music is often used in relaxation tapes and CDs and I guess here is some scientific evidence to support that use.

Perhaps more intriguingly the study also seems to have gone further and suggested that operatic music, which alternates between fast and slow, could be the best for the heart and circulation.

Verdi's arias it seems sychronise perfectly with natural cardiovascular rhythm!

To read the full article, click on the link below:

Opera is 'Music for the Heart'

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life Coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Earning Money as a Life Coach

2009-06-22T15:26:00.008+01:00

Promotional material for life coaching courses may often make it sound as if it is easy to make money from being a life coach.

Is this really the case?

On my website as part of my Becoming a Life Coach Newsletter, I have now published an article considering the realities of making money as a life coach and suggesting some considerations to bear in mind if you are thinking of becoming a life coach.

The article reflects on motivations for becoming a life coach, marketing channels for developing a life coaching business and additional sources of income asides from direct life coaching services for clients or groups.

To read the article, click on the link below:

Can You Make Money being a Life Coach?

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life Coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Life Coaching Resources

2009-06-19T12:14:00.010+01:00

People who read my Life Coach Tips newsletter tend to fall into one of two categories:

(1) People seeking to make changes or improvements in their own life.

(2) Those who work as life coaches or in other helping roles, for example in the voluntary sectory or as counsellors and want to develop their coaching practice or find out more about different techniques and ideas that are used in life coaching.

Both in my own personal experience of making life changes and in my work as a coach, I have come firmly to believe in the the importance of having a set of tried and tested techniques or tools that you can use when you want to take steps forward.

With that in mind I have put together a number of coaching eBooks which cover coaching techniques for use in dealing with different issues such as self esteem, life change, assertiveness and jealousy.

Included in these eBooks are some of the techniques which I have found to be most useful, such as cognitive behavioural (CBT) techniques for dealing with problematic or negative thoughts relating to particular issues.

I have designed most of the eBooks so that they can be of use to both individuals and life coaches and they are set out for practical use - if you are just looking for a general discussion of the issues, these are not the books for you, but if you are looking for practical programmes, life coaching exercises or techniques to try out with clear instructions and specific ideas, then they may well be right for you.

One recent product I have designed is a Life Coaching Resources Pack which bundles together at a reduced price four ebooks on different topics - Changing Your Life, Low Self Esteem, How to Be Assertive and Life Coaching Exercises.

If you are interested in acquiring some life coaching techniques and tools to help you move forward in your own life or to help your work as a coach with clients in life coaching sessions, you can find out more about the Life Coaching Resources Pack at the link below:

Life Coaching Resources

(Note for visitors to this blog from the USA: If you are reading this from the United States and would prefer to see pricing in US dollars rather than pounds sterling, the product is alternatively offered in US dollars at Life Coaching Resources Pack - USA Version)

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Information about David's Telephone Coaching visit: Life Coaching

Panic and Anxiety Programs Review

2009-06-04T10:28:00.015+01:00

A large number of people experience panic attacks or severe anxiety at some point in their life. However sufferers often seek to hide their experiences from others because of shame or not wanting to appear inadequate or incompetent (this applies particularly to people who experience feelings of panic when making presentations in a job setting).

Quite often, hiding your anxiety can actually make it worse - because it increases your fear of other people finding out. Actually what can help with anxiety is to try to accept what is happening almost as if you were observing yourself from outside like a scientist, because this decreases the fear and the 'fight or flight' response which is fuelling your panic and anxiety and which gets worse if you try to fight the anxiety.

This is easier said than done - and if you experience panic attacks you may think I'm crazy in suggesting it! To help you start to come to terms with your anxiety and therefore reduce the level of panic, there are specific techniques which you can use such as distraction and breathing or relaxation techniques.

There are a number of panic or anxiety non medical treatment programs or methods which cover some of these different techniques and can be helpful in addressing them. Here is a short review of the two online panic and anxiety attack programs that I would most recommend, namely:

1. Jon Mercer's Easy Calm downloadable videos which you can find out more about at:

Easy Calm

and

2. Joe Barry's Panic Away eBook which you can find out more about at:

Panic Away

Which one of these 2 approaches for dealing with panic attacks and anxiety do I think is better? That's quite difficult to answer as I think both are good. I think which is better for you may well depend on your personal learning style - the Panic Away program is an eBook, so if following written instructions and ideas suits your learning style then this may be for you. It is also a little cheaper than the Easy Calm program (neither is cheap but compared to the cost of individualised coaching sessions they both offer good value in my view).

The Panic Away Program also offers Joe Barry's famous One Move Technique for eliminating panic attacks quickly. This is a virtue if you are able to master the technique because then you may get a quick and helpful solution to panic attacks. The downside is that if you are unable to do so, then you could be disappointed.

The Easy Calm videos by contrast offer a more incremental approach - building up skills to beat panic attacks step by step by a series of exercises and ideas. Also the instruction is given on downloadable videos and you hear Jon Mercer's voice speaking (there is a sample of the first video on his site at the link to it at the foot of this blog entry so you can see what it is like). Therefore, the Easy Calm Videos do not offer such a quick solution as the Panic Away eBook but they have good helpful ideas and a patient supportive approach.

The Easy Calm videos would get my vote, but it's very much a matter of personal preference and some of you may prefer the Panic Away eBook.

Alternative Approach Using CBT

An alternative approach to tackling anxiety and panic which you might consider and which is cheaper than either the Easy Calm or the Panic Away programs is my own downloadable ebook program for dealing with anxiety.

You can find information about that by clicking on the link below:

Anxiety Program using CBT Techniques

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Information about David's Telephone Coaching visit: Life Coaching

Assertiveness Training

2009-05-29T18:53:00.011+01:00

Assertiveness is one of the issues that people most frequently request my coaching support for.

As part of my series of life coaching books, I have recently written a downloadable eBook describing 5 different methods of helping people to become more assertive.

To find out more please click on the link below:

Assertiveness Training - How to Be Assertive

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Information about David's Telephone Coaching visit: Life Coaching

Affiliate Marketing - Self Improvement Products

2009-05-24T13:06:00.003+01:00

Affiliate Marketing involves promoting and selling someone else's products for a commission or other fee.

The web page below gives some information about affiliate marketing if you want to earn additional income from selling someone else's self improvement products, such as self help ebooks, online under an affiliate program.

Affiliate Marketing - Self Improvement Products

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Information about David's Telephone Coaching visit: Life Coaching

Dealing with Anger

2009-05-24T10:18:00.008+01:00

Anger is a natural emotional state in which triggered by a situation or by your own feelings about yourself or someone else you experience a surge of energy and a flow of adrenaline through your body.

In itself there is nothing wrong with anger - the problems arise when it is excessive or out of control and when you behave towards someone else (or yourself) in a damaging way because of your anger. When that happens it can create problems for you and for others.

Anger is one of the biggest causes of difficulties in relationships and also carries health risks for the person experiencing it, including potentially increasing your risk of:

high blood pressure

heart disease and cancer

depression

self harm

substance misuse

For some information about possible approaches to dealing with anger effectively, click on the link below:

Dealing with Anger

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Information about David's Telephone Coaching visit: Life Coaching

Life Coaching Exercises

2009-05-09T13:24:00.006+01:00

My latest eBook available for immediate download is a collection of 50 life coaching exercises which should be useful both for personal development and for life coaches who would like a resource of coaching exercises that they can use with clients in appropriate situations when providing coaching.

To find out details of the life coaching exercises included, please click on the link below:

Life Coaching Exercises

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Information about David's Telephone Coaching visit: Life Coaching

Unhealthy Food and Brain Signals

2009-05-01T12:35:00.042+01:00

According to an article published in the Daily Telegraph on 1 May 2009, researchers have now discovered that different parts of the brain become active when people are tempted by unhealthy food.

The article highlights an 'angel' part of the brain which it seems is strong in people who have good self control and less strong - according to the article - in those whose self control is not so good.

On the other hand it seems that there is another part of the brain, the 'devil' part of the brain, which is active when you feel that temptation to eat unhealthy but enticing food.

You can see the article online at the link below:

Angel and Devil Brain Signals for Food

The technical name for the angel part of the brain if you're interested in that kind of thing is "the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex" (DLPFC).

The practical question remains however - what can you or I do to increase the chances of our angel part of the brain being activated and helping us to control our eating habits?

The scientists are still working on that one, so until they find the answer, it may be best to stick to common sense practical strategies to increase your chances of eating healthily, such as:

1. Remove opportuntities for eating tempting but unhealthy food - if it's not there you can't eat it.

2. Identify in advance situations where you might be tempted to eat unhealthily or to excess and prepare a plan for how you are going to deal with those situations.

3. Think back to occasions when you successfully resisted temptation and if possible repeat the strategies that worked for you then.

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Information about David's Telephone Coaching visit: Life Coaching

Einstein's Definition of Insanity

2009-04-24T16:05:00.007+01:00

The famous scientist Albert Einsten is reported to have defined insanity as consisting of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

If this is so, then maybe most of us are insane, because I for one would have to admit that at times I have repeated behaviour in a similar situation for no particularly good reason but with the hope that maybe this time things will be different.

The point though is a good one from a life coaching perspective: If you find that you keep on doing something in one way and it is not bringing the results that you want then why not try to do something different?

Of course, it makes sense to assess the risks of doing something different first and if these seem too high then maybe moderate your change or try it out in a small way first to test the water without running too much risk if that is possible. Ask yourself 'What have I got to lose?' - If the answer is not much then why not try out the new approach and see if it works? If it doesn't you can try something else.

This brings me in mind of another reported quote from Einstein.

He is supposed to have said that a person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.

That is a quote I like!

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Information about David's Telephone Coaching visit: Life Coaching

Self Criticism

2009-04-10T11:55:00.010+01:00

Negative self criticsm is often an aspect of low self esteem. If you find you are often too critical of yourself then try going through the checklist of questions below to help give some balance to your thinking:

1. Ask yourself: 'If I were talking to a friend who was in my situation and they were expressing those self critical thoughts, what would I say to them?' The response might include suggestions like:

‘Don’t be so hard on yourself’ OR ‘No one else noticed so it didn’t really matter’

2. Alternatively, imagine a reasonable and supportive friend is talking to you about your self critical perception of yourself. What might they say to you? This might include similar things to the above, or other points specifically related to the situation or to your qualities, such as:

‘Maybe this is not your strong point but you’ve got other more important qualities, like being a good friend’ OR ‘You made a mistake, that’s all. We all do it from time to time.’

3. Ask yourself if your self critical assessment is accurate or is it exaggerated? - If your self critical statement includes the words ‘never’ or ‘always’ you may be able to soften it by recognising that sometimes you make the mistake or act in the way you feel bad about, but on other occasions you do act in the positive way that you would like.

4. Often people remember mistakes and failures but not successes, so ask yourself if there any similar occasions when you have acted positively – Acknowledge that on this occasion you perhaps didn’t act as you would have liked, but remind yourself that on other occasions you have done so, to put the situation into context.

5. Even if your self critical thought is true, ask yourself how much it really matters? Is it a matter of life and death or just something that in an ideal world you might have done differently?

6. Give yourself permission to make mistakes. No one is perfect.

This checklist is taken from my low cost eBook on dealing with Low Self Esteem and Negative Self Criticism. To find out more about the eBook, visit the link below:

Low Self Esteem & Negative Self Criticism eBook

Fear of Intimacy

2009-03-31T15:27:00.006+01:00

Fear of intimacy can be a problem in relationships and may arise for a number of different reasons.

Below is a link to an article about 3 different ways in which fear of intimacy in a relationship can manifest itself:

Fear of Intimacy

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Information about David's Telephone Coaching visit: Life Coaching

Low Self Esteem

2009-03-29T17:07:00.008+01:00

Low self esteem is an issue which can impact greatly on your happiness and your ability to achieve what you want in life and relationships.

I have recently written an ebook as part of my series of life coaching books, which describes techniques you can try out to help to improve your self esteem and boost your confidence and self image if this is an issue which affects you.

To find out more please click on the link below:

Low Self Esteem - Guide

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Information about David's Telephone Coaching visit: Life Coaching

Neuro Linguistic Programming Training Tools

2009-03-06T12:33:00.011Z

I quite often get asked questions about neuro linguistic programming training tools by people visiting my life coaching website. I don't provide neuro linguistic programming training tools via my own website, although I do give an introduction to nlp on my website - Visit What is NLP to read that.

However there are a number of specialist nlp websites which offer free information on neuro linguistic programming tools or techniques. For example, on doing a quick search for free neuro linguistic programming training tools, I found www.nlpconnections.com which offers a forum for anyone interested in Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) and some free information or articles about various aspects of neuro linguistic programming such as:

anchoring

metaprograms

presuppositions

rapport

modelling

I haven't had the opportunity yet to look at this NLP website in detail, so I can't specifically recommend or endorse any advice or information on it, but at first sight it looks like it could be an interesting source for nlp tools, information and ideas. If anyone has any comments on it, feel free to post a comment on this blog. If you would like to read my introductory article on neuro linguistic programming, please visit the link below:

What is NLP?

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Information about David's Telephone Coaching Sessions & Fees Call 0117 904 2908

Life Coaching Training

2009-03-06T09:22:00.008Z

Life coaching training courses are very much the in-thing these days and there are a multiplicity of coach training providers springing up around the UK and elsewhere, many of them making out that to become a life coach is a simple and potentially extremely lucrative process. Most successful life coaches might tell you something different - that to become a life coach, particularly if you want to set up your own life coaching business, is usually something which requires dedication, research and the ability to overcome setbacks along the way.

If you are thinking of training to be a life coach then here are 3 issues you should consider before you sign up to a particular course (this is not an exhaustive list, just some initial suggestions):

How much experience relevant to life coaching do you have, e.g. from counselling or life coaching techniques learned in another profession? Consider to what extent the life coaching training course on offer meets the gaps in your experience. If it just goes over skills and life coaching skills that you already have, then you may want to look at other courses. Identify where your knowledge and life coaching skills gaps fall short and ensure that the particular life coach training course you decide on can meet these gaps.

A life coaching training course may just look at the skills you need to work with individuals to achieve change or deal with other problems suitable for coaching. But what about the business aspects of what you are planning to do if you want to set up your own life coaching business? Consider to what extent the life coach training course on offer gives you helpful information or ideas for setting up a life coaching business.

How much do different life coaching training courses cost and what do they offer which justifies higher prices? Try to evaluate which coaching training courses offer good value for money in terms of the help that they will give you towards your aim of becoming a life coach and the correlated investment you are being asked to make.

For those who are interested in receiving free tips on different aspects of becoming a life coach, I offer a free email newsletter. To find out more, click on the link below:

Becoming a Life Coach

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Information about David's Telephone Coaching Sessions & Fees Call 0117 230 3119

Buddhism for Children

2009-02-23T14:16:00.010Z

Some of you may be familiar with the buddhist tale of the one eyed turtle. Well, if you are interested in teaching buddhism to children, a new children's story book version of this famous buddhist tale has now been created, which I came across recently. For more information on this, click on the link below:

Buddhism for Children - The Little One Eyed Turtle

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Information about David's Telephone Coaching Sessions & Fees Call 0117 230 3119

Coping During the Recession

2009-02-19T16:27:00.018Z

As the recession seems to get worse and worse, with job losses, savings rates falling and the stock market well below its levels of before the recession, I have been looking around for tips for people who are financially affected.

If you have been or are one of those who might be affected financially by the recession in the UK and would like to find some information about how to cope during the current recession then you may find the link below useful.

The link leads to a page on the BBC website where you can find some tips and ideas on possible financial issues that might be relevant to you if you have been adversely affected by the recession in the UK.

The issues considered on the webpage include:

savings
mortgages
repossessions
redundancy
pensions
debt:

Click below to find out more:

Coping During the Recession

I hope that you find the information there helpful and that you manage to find some effective ways of surviving the downturn or even manage to use a change in your circumstances to focus on your priorities or to find a new direction for yourself which proves fruitful.

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Information about David's Telephone Coaching Sessions & Fees Call 0117 230 3119

The Jung Typology Test - A Personality Test

2009-02-19T15:51:00.018Z

The Jung Typology Test is a personality test which can be used to help you establish your type formula in line with Carl Jung and Isabel Myers-Briggs typology.

One of the main intended uses of the test is to help you find out your personality type, to give an idea of which occupations or career opportunities you may be best suited to.

I tried the Jung Typology test myself although I'm a bit sceptical of these things and usually find that they can't categorise me.

According to my test results I came out as a personality type 'INFJ' and this makes me - wait for it - a counsellor! Not a bad result, given that I'm a life coach who specialises in stress, anxiety and self esteem issues.

Apparently only 1% of the population is of that type including Shakespeare and Beethoven so I feel quite good about it, but I'm left wondering when Shakespeare and Beethoven got round to taking the test!

If you would like to take this particular online personality test yourself then please click on the link below:

Jung Typology Test - Click Here

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Information about David's Telephone Coaching Sessions & Fees Call 0117 230 3119

Job Interviews - NLP Visualisation Technique

2009-02-16T10:02:00.011Z

Below is an email from a Master NLP Practitioner, who has kindly given me permission to publish it anonymously on this blog. The email describes a visualisation technique that the writer used successfully to help prepare for interviews. I hope that it may be of use to others who might feel anxiety or nervousness about a job interview:

"David,

Just thought I`d drop you a line as I was interested to see a blog item on the above subject [Getting Back to Work with Anxiety]. I personally have had a year of turmoil and big challenges leading to anxiety. This arose from leaving a career of 22 years (Military) and having to find a brand new job in civilian life. Fortunately I am also a Master NLP practitioner. I used many techniques to help myself preparing for and going for interviews. One of the main ones was a visualisation technique or "going to the movies" where I would visualise myself preparing for and going through interview. I really hyped the movie of myself up so that I could see myself smiling, shoulders back and feel myself feeling really confident as I entered the interview room and could hear myself saying "You can do this, you have all the skills etc." I would then float up into the movie and try and see, hear and feel through the process completely so that when the time came I had practised it many times in my mind - so that it was almost natural on the day.

I also listened to a CD of my hero - Martin Luther King - listening to his confidence in his speeches and feeling his strength. Last but not least was the '3 heroes' technique in which I chose 3 people who I totally admire and asked myself what would they be saying to you right now. The technique is to move position each time as you 'act' out being your hero and listen to the encouragement and advice they would give you there and then.

These techniques really helped along with some good deep breathing techniques. After 2 interviews, a ten minute presentation and a psychological profile test I got the job (1st job offer). I am now six months down the line and proud of what I have achieved. There has been some challenging days but the 'will' has always been strong with the knowledge that you can always overcome.

Many Thanks for your emails and your blog site it is very helpful."

Neuro Linguistic Programming Courses

2009-02-03T18:19:00.004Z

Below is a link to a web page where you can find details of some providers offering training courses in neuro linguistic programming (NLP):

Neuro Linguistic Programming Courses

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Information about David's Telephone Coaching Sessions & Fees Call 0117 230 3119

Fear of Rejection

2009-01-30T11:32:00.011Z

Below is an email I received recently about someone’s fear of rejection in a relationship, together with my response (I have changed the name at the writer’s request for anonymity):

Dear David,

I am hoping that you would be able to offer me advice. Basically I am struggling with starting relationships. I feel that I do want a boyfriend. I recently started dating a really nice guy but I rejected him because I have a massive fear of rejection (I felt quite smug about it, at least I did it first). I have always been rejected in my past relationships. I tend to feel the person I am dating would be happier with someone else, even though I have a lot to offer and I am a nice person. I want to break this unhealthy cycle as it is making me unhappy.

Please help!

Thank you

Jane

Hi Jane

Thank you for your question.

Fear of rejection is something that most, if not all, of us feel at some times and it can lead us to do funny things like, in your instance, trying to get in first and reject the other person even if you actually like them. Things which you might try to help with this could be:

1. If you get to a point to where you are about to reject someone foolishly because of your own fear of rejection, try any of the following –
• Create a little breathing space immediately before you intend to deliver the rejection and use that breathing space to try to assess more logically what you really want to do by writing down the good things about the relationship and reflecting on whether there is any genuine reason to end it or if it is just your irrational fear
• Speak to a reliable friend to explain what you are feeling and unburden yourself of some of the feeling of angst
• Do an activity that helps you to calm down – for example, walking or meditation or something enjoyable to have a break, like watching a light, humourous film.

2. At some point if you continue with a relationship you are going to need to explain to your partner the fear that you feel. This can be difficult because in doing so you are showing your own vulnerability. But in my view it is essential, because otherwise your partner may misunderstand your actions. You need to decide when is best to do this, but generally speaking if you can, you might try to explain it at a point when things are going well between you both, perhaps opening up about a past experience to give a context. This is a risk but it is a risk that is worth taking, because if the relationship is to succeed then this can help to increase communication and your partner may be able to support you. If it doesn’t succeed then it is quite likely the relationship wouldn’t have succeeded anyway.

3. Remember that we all have problems in relationships – your particular problem is that of fear of rejection. Your partner may have that problem too or else other problems. If you can be supportive and show understanding of your partner’s problems that may also be an opportunity for you to begin to explain the difficulties that you have and for you to understand each other better. If the relationship is going to work then it is likely that he will be supportive too then - if not, then he may not be worth it.

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Information about David's Telephone Coaching Sessions & Fees Call 0117 230 3119

Becoming a Life Coach

2009-01-29T11:45:00.009Z

If you are interested in becoming a life coach or if you are a life coach already and want to develop or improve your business, please feel free to sign up to receive my free email tips on becoming and being a successful life coach at the link below:

Becoming a Life Coach

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Information about David's Telephone Coaching Sessions & Fees Call 0117 230 3119

New Year Tips

2009-01-13T15:46:00.015Z

For tips on making 2009 a positive year for you, click on the link below:

New Year Tips

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David

Affiliate Program for Self Help Book

2009-01-08T11:42:00.008Z

My self help e-book Changing Your Life - A Practical Guide is now open for sale by affiliates in the UK, US or worldwide via Clickbank, the well-known affiliate marketing network.

If you are a life coach or affiliate marketer interested in selling the ebook online to clients or others as an instantly downloadable product for a net commission of 70% then you can find out details of how to do so at the link below:

Affiliate Program - Self Help eBook

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David

Free Dieting Tips

2009-01-05T17:41:00.013Z

I have created a new free email newsletter giving tips on dieting with a particular emphasis on cognitive behavioural strategies for helping to deal with the psychological and emotional aspects of dieting - dealing with temptation, cravings etc.

If you would like to sign up to receive the free dieting tips (you can unsubscribe at any time) please click on the link below:

Free Dieting Tips

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David

Positive Thinking

2008-12-22T09:59:00.015Z

As we are approaching the Festive Season of Christmas and New Year, I have decided to bring a lighter element to this blog for once. Today's topic is Positive Thinking - this time with the Morecombe & Wise musical spin on the topic. For those old enough to remember and for anyone else, please click on the link below to hear the music:

Positive Thinking - The Musical Way

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David

Self Esteem and Stress

2008-12-08T11:00:00.007Z

I recently received an interesting email from a student who is doing a research project to try and find out if there is a correlation between self esteem and stress. I'm not aware of any research that exists around this question and would be interested if anyone has any knowledge of what research might have been done or any thoughts - please post a response to this blog.

My own thoughts are that:

1. If you have low self esteem then you may have a tendency to put yourself down and an underlying negative self belief which might contribute to you:
- not believing that you will be able to cope with certain stresses or
- not giving yourself appropriate credit if you do manage to cope with them.

2. On the other hand, if you have good self esteem but then unexpectedly come across a stressful situation which you find difficult to cope with, this can affect you all the more deeply because your positive self image is then threatened.

I guess this amounts to saying that (1) low self esteem might make it harder to cope with stress and that (2) stress, if you are unable to cope with it very well, could contribute to low self esteem. But with human beings it is not always easy to predict, so maybe people can come up with some counterexamples?

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David

Weight Management Issues

2008-11-24T11:16:00.006Z

I have recently posted onto my website a new section looking at the issue of sensible weight management, including health issues and sensible diet strategies. To find out more go to the link below:

Weight Management Issues

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David

Controlling Your Fears

2008-11-07T12:31:00.004Z

I seem to be getting a lot of email queries or comments in my inbox these days about fears. Perhaps it’s a sign of the times.

If there is a fear that is at the back – or even the front - of your mind then one thing you can try in order to try to start taking control of it rather than vice versa is to answer the questions below:

1. What is the event that you fear?
2. How likely is it to happen? – Jot down the arguments for and against it occurring and then give a percentage estimate.
3. If it does happen, what will the consequences be?
4. What can you do to reduce the likelihood of the event happening?
5.If the event does happen then what can you do to help you cope and move forward?

Whether or not the event happens, at least the above exercise may give you an outline plan to help deal with it realistically and positively if it does occur.

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David

Eating Habits - Slow Down

2008-10-30T12:56:00.004Z

Some recent research conducted by scientists at Osaka University suggests that eating your food quickly increases your chances of becoming overweight - probably because you continue eating without realizing that you are full. You can read about the research at the link below:

Speed of Eating - Article

A number of diet books had already latched onto this idea before the latest research. For example in I Can Make You Thin Paul McKenna recommends trying to slow your eating speed down and chewing your food thoroughly.

Slowing your eating speed down may not however always be that easy. Here are 3 simple practical strategies you might adopt to try to slow down your eating:

- Put your eating utensils down between each mouthful of food so that you are not shovelling more food into your mouth before you have finished your existing mouthful!

- Take sips of water between mouthfuls (make sure it is water not a drink with significant calories or you may end up putting on weight!)

- Take a break of 5 minutes or more between courses.

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Problems with My Ex-Husband

2008-10-07T12:00:00.012+01:00

Rebecca (not her real name) has sent me the following email about problems she is having in avoiding contact with her ex-husband:

“My story is different, I think, and I really need to finally tell somebody.
23 years ago, I met, through a male friend (who incidentally did warn me against him), and married a farmer 10 years my senior.

His mother, lived 10 metres away (and still does) from the old farmstead (her old home) - has been a widow for over 40 years - married a divorced man 30 years her senior. His father was 60, when my husband was born.

I came from a very wealthy background with a huge amount of emotions flowing through my life - all functions and ocasions were very important. I think my husband comes from a very unemotional and poor background.

During our courtship - my husband was certainly not the "Knight in Shining Armour" I imagined he would be - he was insulting and terribly jealous from the start! My instincts initially were to run, but I was so in love, I thought things would eventually change.

My husband and his mother are very un-emotional - almost bordering on narcisstic abuse. Well, over the years, this has proved to be true.
The farm is owned by my mother-in-law, my husband and his older brother. My husband has taken on the responsibility of running the sawmill, and looking after his mother,

I feel he has made her No. 1 in his life, instead of me and the boys. My brother-in-law lives much further away, has a great life, and holidays regularly! My husband is constantly at her beck and call - very often she would be at our bedroom window at 5.am , to see what we are doing, or in the house to check if he has enough food, or, even worse, to have tea in my garden section, with her friends! I really didn't know what to do! So - I would hide! He has breakfast with her every morning (I'm never invited), and a walk in the evenings without me. Once, I spoke to her about the situation - and she said that I would be the same with my sons! Of course, I purposely haven't!

Communication broke down between us, and I built my own business away from the farm - obviously to form some sort of identity. I also needed serious personal attention - my husband would clarify it as "trying to control him"! He would leave me at home after a fight, and purposely take her for a drive in front of me, while I just sat there on the verandah, and watched, and waited!

If we ever went on holiday - (which was so seldom, approximately every three ears) - especially when the boys were very young - his brother would get upset, they would argue, and his mother would have a whole set of chores for him to do, on the day we were due to leave! I would wait patiently, but not happy. He would then be so frustrated, that we would have an argument about nothing! His anger began to frighten me. He began to inform me that he had a bad side, and don't bring the bad side out, or he would retaliate!

Eventually, as I'm sure you have now realised - I left! We have been divorced for 2 years now. The trouble is, I am his neighbour, and he constantly calls and visits over the weekend for a dinner , etc.

I have refused, and he is not happy - I need to know how to reject him!
Despite all the bad things, I still love him?

What do I do?”

Response from Life Coach David

Hi Rebecca

Many thanks for your question for my life coaching blog.

The first thing that strikes me about what you describe is that in most of what you say you talk about your ex-husband as if you are still married. It was only when I got near the end of your email that I realised that you are now divorced and have been for 2 years!

This being the case, I would suggest you clarify in your mind how much you want your ex-husband in your life and then decide how you want to act in line with that. You mention that you have refused some of his efforts to make contact but the implication of what you say is that you are having difficulty carrying this through, so it may be useful for you to sit down and think through what is going on in your mind in a clear way.

To help with this, I suggest you draw up a list of the benefits of not having your ex-husband playing such a part in your life – i.e. not having him seeing you regularly through visits and/or calls. Then draw up a contrasting list of what you get out of him coming round – the payoffs for you. These may be practical, psychological, rational or irrational – but it is important to be aware of them before you decide what to do. For example, one payoff may be simply that he is giving you attention.

Once you have drawn up your list of benefits of reducing contact with him as against the payoffs of keeping contact at the current level, decide which side outweighs the other. If reducing contact with him is the side that is stronger, then decide what your options are to help achieve a reduction in contact – this might include not answering the door if he calls (and if necessary taking legal advice if he persists) or deciding to move out of the area or anything else you think appropriate.

Once you have decided what you want to do, commit to doing it and carry it out unless there is a very good reason not to. If you find yourself wavering in your commitment or you are not sure what you want to do, then this might be a situation where coaching sessions could be helpful for you to think through your options and build your motivation to act in the way which you decide is best.

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Getting Back to Work - Coping with Anxiety

2008-10-06T12:51:00.005+01:00

Ian, who works for a mental health charity and is currently involved in a project helping people who have experienced mental health difficulties to get back into employment or onto training courses, has emailed me a question for my life coaching blog asking for any suggested strategies to help individuals who are in this situation to cope with anxieties or negative feelings as they approach an interview or training course or a first day back at work.

I guess my first suggestion would be to try to encourage people who are nervous or anxious about the step they are taking to try to adopt a mental attitude of ‘trying things out’, i.e. not to put pressure on themselves to be perfect or 100% successful but to think of the situations they are going into as chances to try out and see what they can do, with the view that if they do succeed then that’s great but that if they don’t manage perfectly then to see if there is anything they can learn from what has happened with a view to trying to improve next time.

In some cases it may also be helpful for people in this situation to keep a record at the end of each interview or course or day at work, listing what they think they have achieved in the day and those things that they feel they need to work on more before they can do them as well as they would like. If you yourself are in this situation and tend to focus on the things you can’t yet do, then be sure to highlight some achievements too even if they only seem small – getting through the day may in itself be a significant achievement.

For those involved in supporting people in this kind of situation, you can help to encourage them to recognise the achievements they have made and work with them to help think how about how they might do things differently next time, or fill learning or skills gaps, in respect of those areas where some further development is needed.

Blog Item Written by Life Coach David

Lack of Self Belief

2008-09-19T12:46:00.013+01:00

Query Submitted on Lack of Self Belief

Jean has emailed me the following query:

"Dear David

Why do I have absolutely no belief in myself? I do not trust my own judgement, and therefore cannot make a decision without checking that it is okay with someone else...I cannot voice my opionion. My inner chatterbox tells me I am useless time and time again. Should I try hypnotherapy?"

My initial response is given below:

"Hi Jean

Effective hypnosis is about helping you to achieve a deep state of relaxation and concentration where your mind can detach itself from everyday cares and concerns and focus in a positive way, so it can be helpful for your kind of situation. You can find details of some self hypnosis MP3s for confidence issues at the link below:

Confidence and Self Belief - Hypnosis MP3s

An alternative way of trying to help with confidence issues is to use cognitive techniques to help you deal with the 'inner chatter' that you refer to. If your 'inner chatter' is telling you that you are useless, think about what you might say to yourself when that negative thought arises which would redress the negativity with something more positive whilst still being realistic.

For instance, you might say to yourself: 'Confidence is not my strongest area because of experiences in my past which have affected my self belief. However I do have other qualities such as ... [here describe any qualities you or your friends might attribute to you] and I am intending to start to work on my confidence by ... [here describe steps you are taking or planning - e.g. to try out hypnosis or to set yourself small goals that will stretch you just outside your comfort zone].

Also, if you find yourself using expressions such as 'I cannot do X' or 'I should not do X', try to modify them to something that is not so definitive - such as the more positive: 'I have difficulty with doing X but I am going to commit to trying to do it once during the next week'.

If you carry out the action you set yourself, then congratulate yourself and try to build on it. If not, then maybe reflect on whether there is any way that you can adjust the target to make it more achievable rather than being too self critical. You don't need to be perfect - try to focus on small changes at first if you can.

Best wishes

David

Blog Post Written by Life Coach David
For Life coaching Books and Resources visit: Life Coaching Books

Family Conflict

2008-09-15T14:57:00.017+01:00

Stuck in the Middle of a Family Conflict

One of my newsletter readers, Sally, has sent me an email asking for advice as to what to do if stuck in the middle of a longstanding family conflict between other family members, in this case her brother and a close cousin.

One way of approaching this kind of situation is to clarify what is within your control or influence and what is not. The ideal outcome you are likely to want is for the warring parties to learn to get on better, but this may not be within your control. If you feel that there is something you can do that will bring the parties closer together then you might try that out to see if it does help, but be aware that this may lead to accusations (which could be justified) that you are interfering or taking sides.

In some situations unfortunately the reality may be that there is not much you personally can do to resolve the situation because one or both of the parties concerned are not really willing to take steps to improve the relationship (from Sally’s initial email to me it sounds as if that may be the case in her situation).

If that is so, then it may be best to recognise and acknowledge that your ideal outcome is not within your control and to focus on what you can do to limit the potential negative impact on yourself. For example, if a situation might arise in which you find yourself in the company of both parties and you are worried about having to be there whilst they argue, consider what your options are. This might include:

Deciding not to attend at all, or if it is your own event then making arrangements so that the parties are not both likely to be situated close to each other at the event.
Explaining to each party that you don’t want to have to experience them arguing, asking them what they can do to avoid that happening and letting them know what you will do if they do argue – this might include, for example, you leaving the room or the event, if you don’t want to put up with it or listen to the argument.
Sometimes the more attention, conflicting parties get, the more they argue so as to prove their point. If that is so, then not giving them attention – or withdrawing your attention when they argue - may be more productive than seeking to get involved.
Once you have made your decision as to what you are going to do if they argue, stick to it unless there is a very good reason not to. If you do not carry through what you say you are going to do, then this may well send a message to other people that they can just continue with what they are doing.

This is a complicated query, so what is suggested above is just one possible approach and different advice may apply to individual situations. Blog readers are invited to contribute their own ideas via the Comments link at the foot of this entry.

Blog Item Written by Life Coach David on 15 September 2008

Envy and Jealousy

2008-08-26T18:11:00.035+01:00

Query submitted on Feelings of Envy/Jealousy

"Hi David

I have been struggling for years with feelings of envy/jealousy I feel deeply ashamed to admit to. Usually this focuses on social life and standing, academic success, career success and achievements etc. It's mainly of a few of the people I know well but not my own immediate family (husband or children) - but I end up feeling envious FOR them sometimes which I feel is a bit sick and twisted … I am all too aware of my shortcomings and don't want them to affect other people - it's my problem and not theirs and stems from deep self doubt and low self confidence and self esteem.

I had hoped that, as I grew older it would recede, but the opposite has happened and it's making me very unhappy and depressed and it's not something I can easily talk about to friends. I don’t know how to change or fight these feelings and it's even affected a close friendship I had for many years, which is very sad…

Is there anything I can do to overcome my painful feelings or am I stuck with myself as I am for keeps?”

Regards

Pauline "
(A pseudonym has been used to protect the writer’s identity)

Response from Life Coach David:

Hi Pauline & thank you for submitting your query,

From the examples you give of the things that give rise to your feelings of jealousy/envy, such as social standing and different types of success or status, I think your feelings may be more about envy more than jealousy, although the two can be closely related. Envy is usually when you wish you could have a quality or status or possession that someone else has and your wish may include an element of resentment towards the person. Jealousy by contrast tends to involve a fear that you may in some way lose (or have lost) someone you love to a third party.

There are a number of things you might try out to help you deal with potential feelings of envy:

1. Write out a ‘Gratitude List’ - a list of things that you are grateful for in your life – read through this on a daily basis to remind yourself of those things that are good in your life. You mention that you are sometimes envious on behalf of your family too, so you might include on the list things that your family as a whole can be grateful for or the good points about the family that you can all be proud of.
2. When you are tempted to feel envious of others for something they possess or have achieved, remind yourself of the items on your gratitude list that you do have (these may actually be things of more lasting importance than the things you are jealous of – but even if they are not, they are still things you can be happy to have).
3. If there are certain times or situations where you find that you are particularly likely to feel envious, then create a simple a plan for how you might change your reaction at those times or in those situations to avoid reacting in a way that you might regret – your plan might be as simple as reminding yourself to count to 10 or pause before you respond to something someone says.
4. Give yourself credit when you carry out your plan – perhaps keep a record of successes.
5. Try not to be too hard on yourself if you don’t always achieve what you are aiming for. Change sometimes comes in a 2 steps forward-1 step back way, rather than in a linear progression.
6. If you are envious of someone you are close to (such as the friend you mention), then consider whether it might be helpful to find an appropriate calm time & place to try to explain to that person how you feel, and to explain to them what you are trying to do to prevent the feelings damaging your relationship, letting the person know that the relationship is important to you.

You also mention that some of your feelings stem from low self esteem. A useful book with ideas for helping with self esteem is Hetty de Haan’s eBook on boosting self esteem. You can find information about it at the link below:

eBook on Boosting Self Esteem

Best wishes

David Bonham-Carter
Life Coach

Blog Item Written by Life Coach David on 26 August 2008

Coaching eBooks and Other Products

2008-08-19T17:38:00.004+01:00

I am currently building a catalogue of coaching ebooks and other products which are available for purchase online to deal with particular issues, including:

Relationship issues such as communication, building trust or jealousy

Self Esteem Issues

Making Life Changes

To view the current featured coaching ebooks and other products go to:

Coaching eBooks and Other Products

Submit Your Life Coaching Question

2008-08-19T16:37:00.013+01:00

As many of you who are receiving my free Life Coach Tips Newsletter may know, I am going to be using this life coaching blog to discuss particular life coaching topics, issues or topics raised by visitors to my website and readers of my newsletter.

If you have a particular query, problem or issue that you would like to submit to me for a response on this blog (and inclusion in my Life Coach Tips newsletter) then please email your query or subject topic to me via the email link at the foot of this blog entry.

All ideas or questions will be considered though I can't promise to publish responses to each and every one. Where I publish a response, other readers of the blog may use the 'Comments' link at the foot of a blog entry to comment on my response or the issue. Please note that your first name (only) may be cited as the source of the query if a response is published, so if you would prefer a pseudonym to be used, then please let me know when you submit the query.

Please Put 'Life Coaching Blog Question' in the Subject Line of your Email so that I can identify it as a submission for this purpose:

Submit Your Question or Topic for Consideration

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy & Holistic Therapies

2008-08-12T08:42:00.004+01:00

I was recently approached by Holistic Community, a website directory of different holistic therapies, and asked to write an introduction for their section on Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT). CBT techniques are helpful for a number of issues involving negative thought patterns, such as depression, panic attacks or anxiety, phobias and confidence issues.

You can view the introduction to CBT that I provided for Holistic Community at the link below:

Cognitive Behaviour Therapy

Is the Impossible Possible?

2008-07-28T11:05:00.003+01:00

When setting goals is it a good idea to aim for something that seems far out of reach or even impossible, or is it better to start off realistically? Below is a link to an article considering this question & reflecting on how to approach dreams and ambitions in your life:

Dream Your Life

Improving Communication in a Relationship

2008-07-07T10:08:00.004+01:00

Most couples experience some kind of difficulties in communication at one time or another in their relationship, whether because of misunderstandings, different viewpoints, different personalities or different upbringings.

Relationships coaches Susie and Otto Collins provide a series of E books on relationship issues which can be very helpful in overcoming stumbling blocks and difficulties. One of their relationship E books is specifically about how to improve communication in a relationship and has a variety of practical ideas. To find out more about their book, "Communication Magic" and the 4 audios which go with it entitled "Secrets to Communicating from the Heart", click on the link below:

Communication Magic

Symptoms of an Anxiety Attack

2008-06-28T14:20:00.008+01:00

Often people who are experiencing an anxiety attack or panic attack don't realise that that is what is happening and may even think they are having a heart attack. If you think this may have happened to you, you can find out more about the symptoms of an anxiety attack at the link below:

Symptoms of an Anxiety Attack

Are Short Men More Jealous?

2008-06-20T08:57:00.009+01:00

Are short men more jealous than tall men. According to some recent research that may be the case!. Click on the link below to find out more:

Are Short Men more Jealous than Tall Men?

For information about how to deal with jealousy, visit the link below:

Overcoming Jealousy

Hypnosis for Self Improvement

2008-06-14T07:20:00.003+01:00

One way of helping you to de-stress or change your frame of mind is to try self hypnosis. If self hypnosis is something you are curious about or interested in, you can find low cost instant downloads on a range of self improvement topics, including positive thinking, building self confidence and gaining a healthy lifestyle at the link below:

Self Hypnosis Downloads

National Year of Reading

2008-06-04T16:56:00.002+01:00

In case you weren't aware of it, 2008 is the national year of reading. So if you are interested in books why not check out the link below?:

National Year of Reading

Dealing with Jealousy

2008-05-30T09:26:00.002+01:00

Jealousy can create problems in relationships which otherwise can be very loving and is usually a sign of insecurity. For some tips on overcoming jealousy click on the link below:

Dealing with Jealousy

Marketing for Life Coaches - Publish Articles!

2008-05-22T09:56:00.003+01:00

I get a lot of visits to my website from life coaches or people thinking of taking up coaching as a career, so if there is anyone reading this who wants to be a life coach, today's blog entry is about a marketing idea which helps both life coaches and people who may want coaching.

When I was beginning as a life coach some years ago, I decided to focus most of my efforts on internet marketing as that seemed to be the direction the world in general was heading in. I found that one way of giving useful information to clients or potential clients which helped them and also showed that I knew what I was talking about in terms of the techniques I had learned and used successfully for helping people was to write articles on life coaching or stress management issues and submit them to free article directories. At the foot of each article I would include a link to my website so this began to attract people to my site who were interested by the articles and it also improved my search rankings.

It was partly from this that I began to see the power of articles in disseminating helpful information and bringing clients and coaches together in a useful way and therefore set up my own life coaching articles website at http://www.life-coach-tips.co.uk/

For anyone reading this comment who is a life coach just starting out or wanting to market their service more, you can find a brief discussion about this marketing technique on my website at the link below:

Marketing for Life Coaches

or alternatively just visit my life coaching articles directory and have a look round. If you like what you see then feel free to submit your own article for inclusion. The life coaching articles directory is at:

Life Coaching Articles

Best wishes

David

Chronic Blushing - Is there a Cure?

2008-05-17T19:29:00.005+01:00

As I am a life coach specialising in stress, anxiety and self esteem issues, clients sometimes approach me for help where they are experiencing anxiety about chronic blushing. I have therefore posted a new page on my website examining some of the issues around excessive blushing or a fear of it and reflecting on some of the proposed treatment options. You can find my observations at the link below:

Wanting to Stop Facial Blushing - Is it Possible?

Are married people happier than unmarried?

2008-05-13T16:36:00.004+01:00

You may have seen in the newspapers recently reports of research by Harvard psychologist, Professor Gilbert, suggesting that in the U.S.A. at least, married people without children may be happier than married people with children or unmarried people. Amongst the other suggestions from the research were that religious people are happier than non religious people, that people with a college degree are happier than those without and that having more money may not make you happier - apparently, once you pass $50,000 it doesn't help to bring much more happiness. You can see an article about the research results at the link below:

The Truth about Happiness

Work from Home? - What is the effect on family life?

2008-05-07T13:38:00.004+01:00

Rapid improvements in communications technology mean and changing attitudes to the workplace mean that more and more people are working from home. Is this a wise decision and what is the effect on family life of working from home? To find out some of the issues involved in homeworking and its potential impact on family life, please click on the link below:

Work from Home - Does it affect family life?

Happiness in Retirement

2008-04-29T10:05:00.003+01:00

For some suggestions about how you might increase your happiness on retirement, visit the link below from a Retirement Planning website:

Happiness in Retirement

How to Save Your Marriage - Tips

2008-04-15T12:12:00.002+01:00

For an article containing some tips on how to bring interest and romance back into your marriage if the love has gone a bit stale, visit the link below:

How to Save Your Marriage - Tips

Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) in Adults

2008-04-08T11:48:00.004+01:00

Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD is perhaps most commonly identified as a condition affecting children and can go unnoticed in adults. I have recently come across a website by an adult with ADD which may provide some helpful information for other adults who think they may have attention deficit disorder. Please click below for further information:

Attention Deficit Disorder Adults